My mother died on Christmas Eve last year. I'm heading down to Nelson soon to be with my dad on the first anniversary of her death. I may not write about it. I'm not sure how I'll feel. But here's a piece I wrote while she was dying, in late November or early December 2021.…
Funeral
I wrote this meditation on grief after attending my ex-partner's mother's funeral on Friday. I’m standing in the carpark of a supermarket in Royal Oak, Auckland, yelling at an old man in a car. “Stop it. Just STOP IT! ASSHOLE! Leave him alone. Calm down! What the FUCK is wrong with you, JESUS CHRIST!” I’m…
Our Father
I wrote this story ten years ago, after my father-in-law (at the time) died. I wanted to somehow make sense of my profound feelings at having witnessed his death. It was published in Takahē magazine (a literary journal) in 2013. Today, on Father's Day, I remember Carl Bosselmann, and everyone who has lost a father.…
Spring is Coming
Today I took a photo of the first spring daffodil to bloom in my garden. As I posted it to to Facebook, I started crying. Just over three years ago I moved into my home after a heartbreaking but necessary separation. I was sad, excited (weird, I know), confused, and frightened. I had no idea…
Ten Years Today
Ten years ago today, at 12.51 pm, a massive earthquake struck the Canterbury region of New Zealand. It was centred only 6.7 kilometres from the centre of the city of Christchurch, which suffered severe damage. 185 people died. Countless more were left homeless, terrified, psychologically scarred. They were now the reluctant custodians of a ruined city.…
My Mother has Dementia
My mother was diagnosed with dementia almost two years ago. My father found her spooning marmalade into a wine glass. That, along with her slurred words, her frustrated struggle to form coherent sentences, and her propensity to sleep most of the day were early clues. After a puzzling few months during which none of us…
Heartbeat
I have one beautiful daughter, but making her wasn't simple. I lost two pregnancies before conceiving her, and three after her, while trying for a second. I started this story years ago and dug it out and finished it just today. It attempts to put into words my belief that our children will always be…
Today
The world has become still. The voices of the dying are terrifying in their silence. We are grieving what is lost, and what will be lost. We are separate, but united. We are ALL the frontline. We do not know exactly what our world will look like when it reboots. But for today, I am…
Mother
I take your hand as we prepare to cross the road. You sigh into the safety of me, and I grip tighter to tell you that I love you. I kiss your forehead as you sleep and as you breathe in, breathe out, your face free from pain in loose and dreamy folds I straighten…
Be The One Who Stops
My precious cat Lucy was hit and killed by a car yesterday. I had just let her out of the garage, where she sleeps at night. Uncharacteristically, she ran down our long driveway towards the busy road. People drive far too fast along this road, despite the fact that there are three primary schools in…
Patricia Bell, Author 